The Two ends of a relation – A Passing Thought

14 05 2009

Why do i behave so differently while receiving and while giving of the same thing ?!?
Why? I fail to understand this behaviour of mine. When I receive something – could be a thing or an emotion – from someone I tend to take him/her for granted. On the other hand when I am the giver I desire the receiver to NOT take me for granted; I desire him/her to consider my ‘giving’ special. I desire acknowledgments, I desire a special response.

Not that I am a cold receiver; but it’s definitely not the way while I am the giver.

Let me try and interpret this for myself.

Hypothesis 1 : “I give, because I ‘love’; while I receive, because I am being ‘loved’ ”

There is a fundamental difference in loving and being loved. The former is a process with active involvement while the latter is a passive act. For example, say its your birthday and I wish to give you a gift. So I will think of different gifting ideas, will search for those things, might also put in my own art/craft skills to make what I want to give you.  I will be thinking about it night and day, visualizing your expressions on receiving and similar other thoughts would occupy me.  Now, suppose I am in receipt of some such ‘gift’ on my birthday; I just can’t know or understand the entire process that the giver might have gone through. At best I can just receive.

Now, within a relationship, it becomes important that both involved should play both the roles. If my giving you, promts you to give me back, and so on and so forth than the dichotomy would cease. This continous shifting role play makes the relationship so very exciting and I think there would be a stage when one doesn’t realise that whether one is giving or receiving!!!!!That experience is what I understand as BLISS!

Hypothesis 2 : ” I give, because of uncertainty & fear while I receive because some one is uncertain & insecure for me”

Here also, the fear (of losing) or uncertainty of relation makes the giver much more alert and active and involved than the receiver. The receiver by no means can match the degree of intensity of the givers emotions. For example, say things are strained between you and me for some emotional reasons. Its just not going well since some time. But I do not wish to let you go. So I put in efforts, think of ideas to excite you by expressing in a non-verbal fashion, by planning a surprise date full of special things etc. Now, if I am receiving this I may or may not be so excited as the one who is giving this moment to me.

This kind of exchange, I believe would lead to ‘reciprocity’. A relationship wherein I would just reciprocate to the opposite persons action. I react because I do not wish to be labelled as insensitive or insipid. Such equations are what I term as being ‘practical’ or ‘pragmatic’.

Hypothesis 3 : “I give, out of some  formality, and I receive, because of a prescribed social rule”

Not much to say here.  The most ideal example would be a wedding reception. But than I do subscribe to it as this is what gives me my social standing.

These three Hypothesis tells me the probable causes for my behavior. To an extent they answer the question with which I started off  “Why do i behave so differently while receiving and while giving of the same thing ?!?” At the end of it, I believe that the dichotomy is my nature. (I don’t think I am the only such being, maybe all are alike)

Depending on my interpretation of a particular relation (which are highly distinctive) I  subscribe to either of the above mentioned hypothesis. I must also understand that the three hypothesis are not mutually exclusive – all three might be working in a single relation at the same time.

 And depending on the other persons interpretation either of the following experience awaits……

Bliss…Pragmatics… Formality…awaits!




5 responses

14 05 2009

i like the clarity of thoughts but doesnt all 3 situations/relations overlap in every relation ..also sometimes it comes as phases..

15 05 2009

nitu…the two situations that you described do occur…infact i would say, most times all three hypothesis are working at the same time in a same relation. The three situations described are not mutually exclusive. Reality is so complex that they got to overlap.

14 05 2009

Superb.. i could’nt agree more!!

15 05 2009

We don’t put ourselves in others’ shoe always…that is because we have a different place for every relationship in our life…
if a friend gets food for me one day, i feel gr8 and thanks my friend for taking so much pains, but my mother daily cooks food for me, I don’t thank her every time though I know that she takes lot of pain in that…because that is a constant feeling which need not to be expressed…
When we live with a person, we tend to know his/her complete process of thinking..i think all the three cases that you have taken are corrrect but that happens only when you want to either enter into a new relationship or your relationship is not as strong and you want to strengthen it.. and the dichotomy in nature that you are talking about gets over with time as a relationship grows…

15 05 2009

nibha, each one of us have our own thought process. Having said that the situations or hypothesis described are in hindsight, the mind doesnt work so clinically in real time.

“that happens only when you want to either enter into a new relationship or your relationship is not as strong and you want to strengthen it..” – i really dont think so. What happens is the ‘age of relation’ as you have mentioned manifests in the first hypothesis. We take ‘older’ relations for granted; just because they are time tested, the fear or insecurity is less (hypo 2)

Secondly, the ‘strength’ that you are mentioning is only perceptive and not real.

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