Clock.

9 07 2009

Late night, yesterday, it was pretty nice and windy; first signs of monsoons in the city. Bewildered and bemused (that’s how I reach home every night 🙂 ) I enter home. Locked the door, entered the living room; there’s this lone clock which hangs on one of the four walls of the living room. To inform myself of the time, I glance at the wall clock. The two hands were parted by a very narrow distance with shorter hand on 1.

Even after registering the time, I kept looking at the clock. It occurred to me, I HAVE BECOME A CLOCK; mechanical, time bound, boring and not in control of my own movement. This feeling angered me. It filled me with lot of anguish. Irritated, I move towards my room, put on the lamp, undress, lie on the bed, with clock on my mind. Slowly I get into thoughts, the angry feeling subsided and I was able to delve deeper.

Two interesting and very distinct aspects about the nature of clock are, 1 – The clock is not aware of time, it just keeps ticking. It does not know that by ticking it serves the purpose of keeping time for the world. The clock is unaware of the concept of time. And 2 – It never would favor anyone nor would be against anyone. It is the perception of the time-keepers who judge whether TIME favored them or not. To the clock this notion just doesn’t exist.

We too are like clock. We really do not know what purpose all our actions serve to the world or to the people who matter. Even if one wants to, there is no way to estimate the effect of ones actions or deeds. Just keep on doing what you think is right at that moment.

But we are humans, who are gifted with intelligence coupled with emotions. We cannot be as inanimate as the clock. So while we are ‘ticking’, we tend to question ourselves, and doubt ourselves. We bother for the ‘purposefulness’ of the being.

Thinkers, Spiritual leaders, and Philosophical thoughts they all boil down to one simple understanding that “YOUR ONLY WEALTH IS YOUR CURRENT HEART BEAT, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THAT YOU CAN HOLD. SO DO NOT WASTE TIME WORRYING – NEITHER ABOUT BYGONES NOR ABOUT FORECASTS. INSTEAD, LIVE THE MOMENT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS ILLUSIONARY.”

In short just KEEP TICKING.

This message comes to us a thousand times via sms forwards, email forwards or some self-help authors or through quotes printed in Sunday newspaper. We all read it, share it, forward it and talk about it. But never even try to understand it, never even attempt to practice it. I belong to the same lot.

This proves that I am not like a clock at least in quality 1. Rather than just ticking I constantly keep bugging myself my questioning and doubting.

Probing further I also realized that the source of our anguish or joy is completely dependent on the response of others on our deeds rather than those deeds itself being the source. We thrive on the perceptions and judgments of people around and we do the same to others. Under the excuse of relationship, responsibilities, expectations, favors etc. we lose out on focusing on the act, the ‘ticking’. I belong to this lot too.

This proves that I am not like clock on the quality 2 point also. A clock ticks unaware of the perceptions of the people around, whereas my behavior is exactly opposite to that of the clock’s.

Being like a clock is not about becoming mechanical or boring neither it is about the sense of losing control nor being bound. These are just the notions that I derive from the judgments of the world around. No body, including our own selves, would know the eventuality of our deeds. The impact of our being on others varies from individual to individual. Being like a clock is about being aware that we are unaware.

Suddenly my eyes open. It took a few moments before I could realize that I was asleep since long. The lamp was still on, but  it looked a lot faded. That told me that its almost dawn. It is the sunlight coming through the window panes, which in turn is making the lamp look pale. Alas, the ‘light’ of the night is now merely a bulb mistakenly kept on!!!!

I found I was holding to the mobile in one hand, I look into the screen, it had a half written message in it. My eyes than move on the bottom right corner of the mobile screen, the time was 6:30. I get up, put on my bed wear, quench my dried throat, smile and go to bed again. Get up after a sleep of another 2 hours. While I get into the morning routine my mind started taking stock of all I thought I had thought.

Now, I wish I become a clock. I really wish that I enjoy my every ‘tick’.

With this I  wish ‘gdday’ 🙂 !

Advertisements




Fragrance.

2 07 2009

cliff

I was standing there; right there.  Unruly winds were blowing towards me, as if wanting to tear me apart. It seemed as if I have become porous. Winds seemed to be passing right through my skin. No one was around. No one was watching me. Quite possible that I have just left them way behind, not too sure, or maybe they left me mid-way. But what I knew for sure is that I only had one person with me; just one. That person was me.

I looked up and saw a dusky crimson sky, clouds hovering all around like wild untamed horses. Their movement was so brisk, as if a child is running towards his mother. At that moment it seemed as if the clouds had life in them.  I looked left, then right and then straight, stretching my sight to see the farthest visible point. All I could see was a thin line where blues and greens merged. Panorama of a faint looking horizon is what I was watching. Vast green expanses meeting the mighty blue sky at some unknown point called horizon. It all looked faded. But it surely looked beautiful. To be frank, it was soothing, very soothing. It is this sight that held me from falling against the unbridled winds.

Really cannot say how much time I might have had spent standing there. The tone of crimson had changed a few gradations and now it looked almost red, very dark red. All this time, while standing there I did not do one particular thing. I did not look down. I didn’t even try. I just stood there gazing, gazing straight towards nowhere. What the hell was I thinking? My mind was racing, my heart pounding. But gradually I was calming. From anxiety to aggression I had by now become expressionless; dry and insipid. Thousands of pictures of people and events were criss-crossing my mind – a few portraits of past and a few landscapes of future. But as I stood there at that unknown place, slowly the vision of my eyes took over the sights of my mind. All I saw then was red skies. The tension gradually had started relieving me. Eventually I decide to look down, look below my feet.

It’s said that the fear is of unknown. If, something unexpected suddenly pops up in front of you, the reflex is your eyes would immediately get shut. But I knew what was below. I knew what I was not looking at. I feared what was known to me. By now I had taken the decision to look below. Finally, rather aimlessly, with disillusioned eyes, I stoop down. At that very moment a bright streak of white light flashed. As if some one had lighted the bulb in a red lighted room, a flash of white splashed on the reds around. This was immediately followed by a loud thunderous sound. A sound, so strident, it filled the entire expanse around me. It didn’t take time for me to realize that the wild clouds have now clashed leading to the eventuality of lightning and thunder.

By now I was staring down. From what was visible all that I could see was a feeling of motion. Huge expanse of water flowing. I was only able to feel the movement of that expanse. Must be a large stream or a flowing river, couldn’t really distinguish. That is when I realized the distance between the water below and the piece of land I was standing on. That feeling of being so much distant from what I was seeing below startled me. It struck me like a thunder bolt. This moment is what I feared. I knew what I was going to see, I had estimated the height of where I was standing, but when I actually dared to look at it, is when the truth hit me.

We all have our own perceptions about ourselves and the world around. We all have varied imaginations and beliefs which govern our lives. We all have our versions of dream. We all live in a world of our own. I did too. As we live, some moments come, which pierce the bubble of fantasy around us. Like a sharp arrow moving to kill, reality breaks in and kills the fantasy.

Until this moment the depth on which I was standing existed only in my imagination. One look down and I realized the magnitude of the depth. A lot of misty air blocked my view down. The height at which I was standing seemed much farther than the horizon I was staring a few breathes before.  I was standing on a rock, a dark grey rock, stuck in the last piece of land before the bottomless fall. Yes I was on the edge of a cliff. Traveling from somewhere, which my mind did not wish to think about now, I had reached this last piece of land which was nowhere. I was staring at the fall of about a few miles. One step forward, and it would take me to eternity.

My mind started racing again. The heart started pounding again. The visions of my mind again took over the sights of my eyes. I could see myself falling. Saw myself falling deep down, in this bottomless valley. I could literally feel the gravity pulling me towards it. And my face was smiling. I never realized why I smiled then. Alas, I would never know it either. As this was what my mind was showing me, this is not what I had done.

And I look towards horizon again. But I couldn’t see it. I could absolutely see nothing. How could I, it was raining. The water from the skies filled all that I could see. Every space around me was filled with pouring rains. All this while, I never could realize that it is raining.  Such is the effect when one faces reality. Grim is reality. I turn back and see a faint visual of deep woods being drenched in the rain. I faced two choices – either to fall or to turn back and trace my way back. I guess I was still expressionless. Once in a while a mild taste of salt informed me that I had tears. I took a few deep breaths, no count of it, my feet firmed on the rock I was standing on, and my fingers turned into fists and I get surrounded by my voice,

“This is not the end and this is not the beginning. You never arrived and so you never could return. The fall would lead to an end that you don’t want and the return journey will take you to the same places you have already been. Do not limit your life within choices.

Do not believe that life is about duality. Selecting one takes you away from other –  is a very narrow view on life. Life lies in the expanse amidst those choices. You manifest in every thing that you do. And in every damn choice that you make, however useless it may be, you can always be you. The weather may not belong to the flower, but the fragrance always does. All you need to do is find your fragrance. It already exists; you are just being insensitive towards it, and unaware too. Today, I give you a very simple solution. Whenever in doubt, close your eyes, and tell me your doubts. Follow what I choose for you and move ahead vigorously.

Always trust me, ‘coz I am you.”

A few moments passed away. I glanced around. It was pitch dark. The skies had ceased crying. On their own my feet start moving. Effortlessly and aimlessly I move towards a non-existent choice. I venture into a brand new direction. Not just for the sake of ‘new’, but because that is where myself was directing me. The darkness did not touch me anymore; my strides grew stronger and I tread to reclaim my life.