Fragrance.

2 07 2009

cliff

I was standing there; right there.  Unruly winds were blowing towards me, as if wanting to tear me apart. It seemed as if I have become porous. Winds seemed to be passing right through my skin. No one was around. No one was watching me. Quite possible that I have just left them way behind, not too sure, or maybe they left me mid-way. But what I knew for sure is that I only had one person with me; just one. That person was me.

I looked up and saw a dusky crimson sky, clouds hovering all around like wild untamed horses. Their movement was so brisk, as if a child is running towards his mother. At that moment it seemed as if the clouds had life in them.  I looked left, then right and then straight, stretching my sight to see the farthest visible point. All I could see was a thin line where blues and greens merged. Panorama of a faint looking horizon is what I was watching. Vast green expanses meeting the mighty blue sky at some unknown point called horizon. It all looked faded. But it surely looked beautiful. To be frank, it was soothing, very soothing. It is this sight that held me from falling against the unbridled winds.

Really cannot say how much time I might have had spent standing there. The tone of crimson had changed a few gradations and now it looked almost red, very dark red. All this time, while standing there I did not do one particular thing. I did not look down. I didn’t even try. I just stood there gazing, gazing straight towards nowhere. What the hell was I thinking? My mind was racing, my heart pounding. But gradually I was calming. From anxiety to aggression I had by now become expressionless; dry and insipid. Thousands of pictures of people and events were criss-crossing my mind – a few portraits of past and a few landscapes of future. But as I stood there at that unknown place, slowly the vision of my eyes took over the sights of my mind. All I saw then was red skies. The tension gradually had started relieving me. Eventually I decide to look down, look below my feet.

It’s said that the fear is of unknown. If, something unexpected suddenly pops up in front of you, the reflex is your eyes would immediately get shut. But I knew what was below. I knew what I was not looking at. I feared what was known to me. By now I had taken the decision to look below. Finally, rather aimlessly, with disillusioned eyes, I stoop down. At that very moment a bright streak of white light flashed. As if some one had lighted the bulb in a red lighted room, a flash of white splashed on the reds around. This was immediately followed by a loud thunderous sound. A sound, so strident, it filled the entire expanse around me. It didn’t take time for me to realize that the wild clouds have now clashed leading to the eventuality of lightning and thunder.

By now I was staring down. From what was visible all that I could see was a feeling of motion. Huge expanse of water flowing. I was only able to feel the movement of that expanse. Must be a large stream or a flowing river, couldn’t really distinguish. That is when I realized the distance between the water below and the piece of land I was standing on. That feeling of being so much distant from what I was seeing below startled me. It struck me like a thunder bolt. This moment is what I feared. I knew what I was going to see, I had estimated the height of where I was standing, but when I actually dared to look at it, is when the truth hit me.

We all have our own perceptions about ourselves and the world around. We all have varied imaginations and beliefs which govern our lives. We all have our versions of dream. We all live in a world of our own. I did too. As we live, some moments come, which pierce the bubble of fantasy around us. Like a sharp arrow moving to kill, reality breaks in and kills the fantasy.

Until this moment the depth on which I was standing existed only in my imagination. One look down and I realized the magnitude of the depth. A lot of misty air blocked my view down. The height at which I was standing seemed much farther than the horizon I was staring a few breathes before.  I was standing on a rock, a dark grey rock, stuck in the last piece of land before the bottomless fall. Yes I was on the edge of a cliff. Traveling from somewhere, which my mind did not wish to think about now, I had reached this last piece of land which was nowhere. I was staring at the fall of about a few miles. One step forward, and it would take me to eternity.

My mind started racing again. The heart started pounding again. The visions of my mind again took over the sights of my eyes. I could see myself falling. Saw myself falling deep down, in this bottomless valley. I could literally feel the gravity pulling me towards it. And my face was smiling. I never realized why I smiled then. Alas, I would never know it either. As this was what my mind was showing me, this is not what I had done.

And I look towards horizon again. But I couldn’t see it. I could absolutely see nothing. How could I, it was raining. The water from the skies filled all that I could see. Every space around me was filled with pouring rains. All this while, I never could realize that it is raining.  Such is the effect when one faces reality. Grim is reality. I turn back and see a faint visual of deep woods being drenched in the rain. I faced two choices – either to fall or to turn back and trace my way back. I guess I was still expressionless. Once in a while a mild taste of salt informed me that I had tears. I took a few deep breaths, no count of it, my feet firmed on the rock I was standing on, and my fingers turned into fists and I get surrounded by my voice,

“This is not the end and this is not the beginning. You never arrived and so you never could return. The fall would lead to an end that you don’t want and the return journey will take you to the same places you have already been. Do not limit your life within choices.

Do not believe that life is about duality. Selecting one takes you away from other –  is a very narrow view on life. Life lies in the expanse amidst those choices. You manifest in every thing that you do. And in every damn choice that you make, however useless it may be, you can always be you. The weather may not belong to the flower, but the fragrance always does. All you need to do is find your fragrance. It already exists; you are just being insensitive towards it, and unaware too. Today, I give you a very simple solution. Whenever in doubt, close your eyes, and tell me your doubts. Follow what I choose for you and move ahead vigorously.

Always trust me, ‘coz I am you.”

A few moments passed away. I glanced around. It was pitch dark. The skies had ceased crying. On their own my feet start moving. Effortlessly and aimlessly I move towards a non-existent choice. I venture into a brand new direction. Not just for the sake of ‘new’, but because that is where myself was directing me. The darkness did not touch me anymore; my strides grew stronger and I tread to reclaim my life.

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3 responses

9 07 2009
Neha

Weather do affect the flower..and in a way affect the fragrance too.The fragrance may be gone for a while..but the flower should still be looking for the sunshine to come….and to get back its fragrance…:)

10 07 2009
mihirgajrawala

the closing scene of matrix revolutions , smith is demolished and the matrix restored, following conversation occurs between the oracle and the seraph :

Seraph : did u always know it?

Oracle : No, I didn’t.
No, I didn’t.

But, I believed.
I believed.

That belief is your beliefs is your FRAGRANCE!

1 08 2009
ruta

Ever considered writing a book? I enjoyed the way you have described ‘the moment’.

Very thoughtful!!

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