Soulmate – as i see

24 09 2009
u + me

u = me

There is something about this term which has always intrigued me. It is definitely a very romantic and dramatic kind of a term, used generally to denote intimate relationships. The subjectivity of the term makes it almost impossible to develop any specific definition of the term. Having said that the term is widely used in popular literature and also by people to express their love.

Like any other human I too have my share of beautiful intimate relations. But never could I figure out where to fit in the term ‘soulmate’.

For some reason I have been in a mode of introspection since past couple of days.  Today, also happens to be my mom’s 60th birthday. All of these lead me to a whole gamut of thoughts. Two very striking instances of my early childhood mildly surfaced over my anxious mind.

#1 Very faint visuals of this incidence exist in my mind. I must not be more than 10.  Must be in my 3rd or 4th grade. My schedule of those days was – leave for school in the school rickshaw at around 11 and to return at half past 5 in the evening. Now, it had so happened that I was so very used to the fact that whenever I reach home back, my mom has to be there to greet me. To an extent that I had made it compulsory for her. Even if she had some work some errands to run, she had to be at home when I arrive. I would not buy any damn reason for her to be not there when I come back home. She always obliged; except once.

One fine day, as I reach home, I didn’t see her at home. Must have been some unmanageable work, but that didn’t concern me. Not having her to greet me was enough to make me go in an outburst. I shouted,  I cried like mad, I wouldn’t listen to my ba, did not drink my evening ka milk(a routine I loved)…. I ran around the whole house…threw every arranged thing awry…cushions, diaries, spoons…whatever I could lay my hands on I just threw all of it around. Nothing could contain me.(mind you I was a pretty calm and shy kind of a kid. Not the short tempered naughty one, so this wasn’t any ways near to my normal behaviour) I would not even take out my shoes with her not around. At the end of my outburst when all my energy was drained I climbed atop a cabinet. The cabinet was in front of our apartment door. I could see whoever entered, but the person entering would have to strain his/her neck to see atop. Inshort that was my hide out. And I sat there waiting for my mom to come and search for me. Wanting her to go through that wait to see me. I kept crying.

All of this lasted for about an hour; that is when my mom returned home. She immediately inquired about me; ba already gives her a gist of all that had happened. She finds me. I get angry at her and cry a lot. She promises to never do this again. As far as I remember or until it mattered to me, this never occurred again.

#2 This is a few years later. I must be in my teen. The early teen period. By now I has started going to school on my bicycle. The schedule was same. I left home every day at 11.15am. I was a bit grown up now. I could go and come on my own; is what I had started believing. In those days going to school was the only routine pursuit, and I had come to a stage when I managed the logistics of it on my own. However there was this new compulsory thing that had developed.

Our block was at the end of the entire compound of the society.  From the front balcony of our apartment, the entire compound and the gates of the society were visible. Now everyday as I leave on my bicycle, it was mandatory for my mom to stand in the balcony and wave at me until I go out-of-her sight. I used to literally check it many a times by coming back to see if she’s still standing there. So she had to stand in the balcony 3-4 minutes even after I am out-of-sight.

I remember that once or twice it so happened that I saw her turn back while I was crossing the gates. That sight of – seeing her back when the ‘grown up’ me was leaving on his own for his pursuit- was something I could not handle. That visual stayed with me the whole day and for such a lame reason  I did not concentrate on my classes and remained out-of-mood. As I reached home I shared this with my mom. She tried to explain but I was not to listen. I did not want to buy any of her argument. All she can do was to agree, and she did. And as long as it mattered, I don’t remember this happening barring this one of two times.

She was a mother. I do not know how she took this irrationality and possessiveness and ego of her child. But I can speak for myself. I loved this element of the relation. Today it seems laughable, irrational, childish, stubborn etc. But then that is what connected us. Today, when I am and independent adult, yet she would be at peace only when she knows I have had my meals and that I am doing fine. But the fact remains that she was a MOTHER. And I knew it and so I would put all the mandatory measures to express my feelings for her.

Family remains your circle of  life till a certain age and time. Its like every bird has to fly from the nest. Not necessarily in geographical connotation but in psychological connotation. As one grows the pursuits start becoming much more complex. It is no more just going to school. A lot of economic, academic, professional and emotional pursuits occupy our lives. Amidst these we meet a lot of people. Some of them with whom we get close – we call them friends, some of them with whom we get personal – we call them best friends, to one we make commitment – we call them husband or wife and so on and so forth.

I am going through the same cycle. I have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, peers, loved ones, best friends so on and so forth. Each one having its own distinct space.

After all the introspection I realised something which I was totally unaware of.  I realised that somewhere I am still the same. The laughable, irrational, childish, emotional  and stubborn kid does come alive somewhere.

Inspite of that person not being my mother, I still put in weird expectations, mandatoriness and super irrational behaviour. We all do it with someone or may be with a few people where the irrational us manifests. Amidst the maddening clutter and tons of people that we come across it is with that one or few that we become childish.  Don’t know whether this holds true for all, but for me it surely does.

Any relation which is beyond mere sensory pleasures, you can call them your soulmate. The  example of mother justifies that, though I am possessive about her; the relation is not for sensory pleasures. It is that and beyond that.

And that person, who becomes my mother and makes me a kid and vice versa; that person who  I  bump into when I am not searching is the one I would like to call my SOULMATE.

Esoterica : One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

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