I wish to die, NOW.

19 05 2010

Some recent talks and incidents around me :

  • A gentleman in his mid fifties; goes merrily to the park for his every day routine morning walk. While in his routine, some unknown thing happens inside his heart; the medical terminology terms it as a heart stroke.  He passes away. All that he might have planned to do on that day after the walk remains undone.
  • A young lad, barely 21 graduates and receives his engineering degree. A hint of relaxation coupled with a whiff of anxiety; dreaming about his future he returns to his native. The chap loved biking. It was the 3rd day after his graduation and his mind must have been filled with  lots of plans as to what choice of job and/or further education would ensure him a secure future. Like any routine evening he sets off on his bike to roam around. His bike hits a passing car, he skids, hits the road and some thing unknown happens inside his skull; the medical terminology terms it as a severe hemorrhage and skull fracture. He does not survive to reach hospital. All his faint thoughts and loose plans about his ‘tomorrow’ remains undone.
  • An elderly lady, an octogenarian , lives with her son and his family. Reasonably healthy she passes on each day performing the basics that the body requires. A very secured life she has. All possible eventualities (mostly) can be taken care by her son. She does not have much to look forward too. There is nothing left for her to hope. All that routine hopes of  ‘seeing your grand children and great grand children’ are also satisfied. Her days go by and she awaits…
  • A couple, in their early sixties. Childless, they live on their own. Economic struggles over past one- one and half decade have taken the gleam out of their eyes. They have  in their banks a sum lying which is taking care of their survival. However to secure the eventualities that might confront them; which is quite plausible; they live frugally. The intelligence of planning for security is making them save their capital. Eventually when they would not be mortal the beneficiaries would be the ones who have no great connection with them. The couple however are feeling reasonably secured today.
  • He’s in his early thirties. Started his employment career pretty early in life. Tried his hand in all sorts of employment options, but almost every now and them he finds himself jobless. What has he earned over these years? – dunno; but he lost something precious over these years of ensuring-employment-planning. That precious something is his passion and skill for music. Even the tangible remains of his passion viz. the equipment does not exist any more. He’s still searching for that breakthrough employment that shall secure the rest of his life.

These are not one-off or rare examples. Millions exist who fall close  to either of this situations. The point I am trying to make is “Are we living for something?” or we just “Dying for nothing?” To make it more narrower “Are we living or dying?”

I believe that Life is the duration between two accidents namely Birth and Death. If that is the case, there is no way anyone can secure / control this duration. It is absolutely out of bounds. If the first accident namely Birth has occurred it is a mandate that the second accident namely Death has to occur. That is it. But no one that I know (including my own self) want to believe this simple fact. And hence may be this entire cycle of securing and fear fullness occurs. We are out to secure something which is impossible and we know that, and hence we are in constant fear. And we double that fear by making hectic choices ,which generally speaking, take care of our insecurity. Short lived that they are, to keep us in a continuous and unending struggle towards death.

You go to school to find a decent employment. You take up a job to settle down and marry. You marry to secure your need for companionship in later years. You have kids so that you have someone to inherit your crap. You retire because you have collected enough money by now. And now you wait for life to end because maybe now the world around considers you useless. The society has made a template; and we all download this template into our lives and rut accordingly. And so most people alive are already dead!

Why can’t one go to school just to study and learn? Why can’t one take up a job that s/he’s good at or simply enjoys doing it? Why can’t one find companionship without marriage? Why can’t one have kids if they really wish to rear a life, otherwise don’t? Why do you have to leave stuff for someone to inherit? Why the hell should anyone retire ? If retirement is all one was waiting for , why the hell were they working for all these years? Why is it that we equate our worth to the money we are generating or have already generated?

The moment one becomes conscious of his/her existence the only choice s/he makes is to secure/control tomorrow. In spite of being witness to thousands of incidents where a dying person has left all his/her plans undone, we simply reject that reality. In our entire lifetimes we hardly have even a day when we can pronounce boldly that THIS IS HOW I WOULD BE IF TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE.

WHY so?

The only reason I could see is we are all so fearful of END. The manner in which we are programmed we are made to feel that END is bad.Fear it.  And so dumb we are, that out of the fear of END we hardly ever begin. We never begin to LEARN!(all we want is a degree) We never really pursue a hobby?(all we want is a job)We never really fall in love? (marriage is available) We never really begin a venture we believe in?(failures are not acceptable) and WE NEVER REALLY BEGIN TO LIVE! ( as death is always around the corner)

I wish to die now! Die not to end, but to begin. Die in order to live and not just survive. Die with fear so as to live without any fear. Instead of dying every moment until death, Die now!. Die now so as to awaken to life. A life full of love and passion, a life where I work to ‘do’ something and not to ‘become’ something, a life to find myself, a life to know myself, a life just to live.

For this, I wish to die, NOW.