Hidden Love / અવ્યક્ત પ્રેમ

18 03 2013


We all have stories inside us. Within us is a mix of sketchy emotions, which we often feel, but never let out. Even if they are let out , they come veiled under worldly gestures. Yes, love exists within us, it resides inside us somewhere. Subdued by our fear and ignorance we are unable to embrace the existence of an unadulterated passionate love within us. We remain inhibited. And the love stays inside us like an unformed story. Thus i say we all have stories inside us.

The inhibited feelings that we carry manifests themselves in our sensitivity towards nature, music, arts, poetry etc. This could be the seed of romanticism.

The poem below is an expression of my experiences with my own feelings.

હૈયા ની અંદર, અંતર માં ક્યાંક
એક વાર્તા સંતાયેલી પડી લાગે છે ;

વસંત ની વેળા એ,કેસુડા નું આગમન થતા
મન નું પારેવું બની ઉડવા લાગવું  ,
સુમધુર સંગીત ના તરંગો કાને પડતાની સાથેજ
હૃદયનું ધબકારો લેવાનું ચુકી જવું ,
ટમટમતા તારલાઓ ને ચૌદસ ની રાત્રિ મા રમતા જોઈ
ચક્ષુ ના ખૂણામાં ઉલ્લાસ ભરેલ ટશીઓ નું ફૂટવું ,
નદી ને કિનારે ફફડતી પાંખોનો  સમૂહગાન સાંભળતા
મુખે થી સોહામણા છંદો નું છલક્વા માંડવું ,
વગર કોઈ કારણે ક્યારેક રાહ પર ઉભા ઉભા
ચેહરા પર નિર્દોષ  સ્મિત નું ફેલાઈ જવું  ,
આ નિશાનીઓ માં તારી હાજરી છતી થાય છે
મારા હૈયા ની અંદર,મારા અંતર માં ક્યાંક
એક અવ્યક્ત વાર્તા બની તું રહી જાય છે।

~ મિહીર


Quotable Quotes #2

26 10 2009

Adding some more to the earlier list……

Phrases, sentences, quotes….words that express my attitude towards love and life.

Love when makes u give up on your  sensory expectations becomes a SURRENDER; whereas when love begins to control your senses it becomes an INDULGENCE!

When u ask for yourself it is a favour, and wen u ask for those whom you love it becomes a prayer!

The amount of tears wiped by the smiles is the true measure of a relationship!

I enjoy fantasy. The one problem with fantasy is I can never really take u along. In that regard I don’t really need you to reach there.

Time n distance are highly perceptive, the real thing is the feeling and emotion!

Every laugh is not a medicine!!!

One has to travel that distance to realise that it was just a mirage!!!

You will feel stuck up only when you trying to move; whenever u feel stuck don’t panic, rather enjoy d fact that you are moving on!

I am a mere reflection of the many selves that I meet and interact with! I AM NOT WAT I AM!

The thing worse than being hated, is to prove that u love.

Lies are accepted, truth is doubted!

Life is mandatory while living  is voluntary. You can always decide whether to smile or to crib!

Acceptance is the stepping stone to tranquility…..goddamn I can’t accept my own statement too

The fear is not of the unknown that is going to come, rather the fear is of the fear that the known is going to go!

Have you ever wondered that most, if not all, means of our happiness, knowingly or unknowingly, are at someone’s cost.

The problems like sunray pass through your dewdrop like smile and form a rainbow in a rather placid sky like me!!!!

Every creation/new realisatn is preceded by pain…n m in pain!!!

Earlier-“a person is known by the s/he keeps”; now – “a person is known by the brand s/he wears”

A relation is like a car : gear changes, speed alters, one or both the passengers can get off, leave d car and jus walk away, push it off the cliff, maintain it, service it to keep it running smoothly; there is  just one big difference UNLIKE A CAR A RELATION DOESN’T HAVE REVERSE GEAR!!!

Truth is Wat i feel! My behavior is a natural manifestation of my feelings! The manifestations/expressions may be likely or unlikely to the one they get manifested upon! All I want to say is know what’s true!

Guilt is a psychological aberration that ensures conformity.

Anything created by heart will always be loved and all the changes that occur in the world will accommodate it; whereas not following your heart will only produce shit, and it will always be discarded!

The only way to know the truth is to lie

Ironies of life

#1 – In order to reach farther, we miss out on whats closer.

# 2 : We don’t value what we have, we tend to value only what we don’t have.

# 3 : We stand up for national anthem, but we cheat on paying taxes; whereas we spend a fortune on education, but never stand up for our teachers!!!!! (happy teachers day!)

#4 – We always choose illusion over reality,irony is we do not know which is which!

Wanting to be with someone is love, not being with that someone is life, while being with someone in spite of not wanting to is reality!

Soulmate – as i see

24 09 2009
u + me

u = me

There is something about this term which has always intrigued me. It is definitely a very romantic and dramatic kind of a term, used generally to denote intimate relationships. The subjectivity of the term makes it almost impossible to develop any specific definition of the term. Having said that the term is widely used in popular literature and also by people to express their love.

Like any other human I too have my share of beautiful intimate relations. But never could I figure out where to fit in the term ‘soulmate’.

For some reason I have been in a mode of introspection since past couple of days.  Today, also happens to be my mom’s 60th birthday. All of these lead me to a whole gamut of thoughts. Two very striking instances of my early childhood mildly surfaced over my anxious mind.

#1 Very faint visuals of this incidence exist in my mind. I must not be more than 10.  Must be in my 3rd or 4th grade. My schedule of those days was – leave for school in the school rickshaw at around 11 and to return at half past 5 in the evening. Now, it had so happened that I was so very used to the fact that whenever I reach home back, my mom has to be there to greet me. To an extent that I had made it compulsory for her. Even if she had some work some errands to run, she had to be at home when I arrive. I would not buy any damn reason for her to be not there when I come back home. She always obliged; except once.

One fine day, as I reach home, I didn’t see her at home. Must have been some unmanageable work, but that didn’t concern me. Not having her to greet me was enough to make me go in an outburst. I shouted,  I cried like mad, I wouldn’t listen to my ba, did not drink my evening ka milk(a routine I loved)…. I ran around the whole house…threw every arranged thing awry…cushions, diaries, spoons…whatever I could lay my hands on I just threw all of it around. Nothing could contain me.(mind you I was a pretty calm and shy kind of a kid. Not the short tempered naughty one, so this wasn’t any ways near to my normal behaviour) I would not even take out my shoes with her not around. At the end of my outburst when all my energy was drained I climbed atop a cabinet. The cabinet was in front of our apartment door. I could see whoever entered, but the person entering would have to strain his/her neck to see atop. Inshort that was my hide out. And I sat there waiting for my mom to come and search for me. Wanting her to go through that wait to see me. I kept crying.

All of this lasted for about an hour; that is when my mom returned home. She immediately inquired about me; ba already gives her a gist of all that had happened. She finds me. I get angry at her and cry a lot. She promises to never do this again. As far as I remember or until it mattered to me, this never occurred again.

#2 This is a few years later. I must be in my teen. The early teen period. By now I has started going to school on my bicycle. The schedule was same. I left home every day at 11.15am. I was a bit grown up now. I could go and come on my own; is what I had started believing. In those days going to school was the only routine pursuit, and I had come to a stage when I managed the logistics of it on my own. However there was this new compulsory thing that had developed.

Our block was at the end of the entire compound of the society.  From the front balcony of our apartment, the entire compound and the gates of the society were visible. Now everyday as I leave on my bicycle, it was mandatory for my mom to stand in the balcony and wave at me until I go out-of-her sight. I used to literally check it many a times by coming back to see if she’s still standing there. So she had to stand in the balcony 3-4 minutes even after I am out-of-sight.

I remember that once or twice it so happened that I saw her turn back while I was crossing the gates. That sight of – seeing her back when the ‘grown up’ me was leaving on his own for his pursuit- was something I could not handle. That visual stayed with me the whole day and for such a lame reason  I did not concentrate on my classes and remained out-of-mood. As I reached home I shared this with my mom. She tried to explain but I was not to listen. I did not want to buy any of her argument. All she can do was to agree, and she did. And as long as it mattered, I don’t remember this happening barring this one of two times.

She was a mother. I do not know how she took this irrationality and possessiveness and ego of her child. But I can speak for myself. I loved this element of the relation. Today it seems laughable, irrational, childish, stubborn etc. But then that is what connected us. Today, when I am and independent adult, yet she would be at peace only when she knows I have had my meals and that I am doing fine. But the fact remains that she was a MOTHER. And I knew it and so I would put all the mandatory measures to express my feelings for her.

Family remains your circle of  life till a certain age and time. Its like every bird has to fly from the nest. Not necessarily in geographical connotation but in psychological connotation. As one grows the pursuits start becoming much more complex. It is no more just going to school. A lot of economic, academic, professional and emotional pursuits occupy our lives. Amidst these we meet a lot of people. Some of them with whom we get close – we call them friends, some of them with whom we get personal – we call them best friends, to one we make commitment – we call them husband or wife and so on and so forth.

I am going through the same cycle. I have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, peers, loved ones, best friends so on and so forth. Each one having its own distinct space.

After all the introspection I realised something which I was totally unaware of.  I realised that somewhere I am still the same. The laughable, irrational, childish, emotional  and stubborn kid does come alive somewhere.

Inspite of that person not being my mother, I still put in weird expectations, mandatoriness and super irrational behaviour. We all do it with someone or may be with a few people where the irrational us manifests. Amidst the maddening clutter and tons of people that we come across it is with that one or few that we become childish.  Don’t know whether this holds true for all, but for me it surely does.

Any relation which is beyond mere sensory pleasures, you can call them your soulmate. The  example of mother justifies that, though I am possessive about her; the relation is not for sensory pleasures. It is that and beyond that.

And that person, who becomes my mother and makes me a kid and vice versa; that person who  I  bump into when I am not searching is the one I would like to call my SOULMATE.

Esoterica : One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

Quotable Quotes.

1 08 2009

At various points in time, one gets into a variety of situations which are unique and distinct from each other. At such points, while I am going through some certain experience, a flash of thought occurs in mind. Its like a a sudden spark of realisation, an articulation that happens within a blink, on its own; which later when I think of, seems profound.

Off late I had started collecting those sparks that have occured to me during varied emotional states. As I was going through them, even I could not remember as to under what influence I might have thought of them. But in itself they are complete and an interesting read.

Thought to share it here.

“Time is the only healer they say; but then time is the only killer too!!!!!!!!”

“Why do we behave differently on receiving and on giving the same thing? While receiving we take it for granted; just don’t care – but while giving we want the receiver to not take it for granted!!!!!”

They say that “don’t just say, but do”; I say “don’t say, just because you do!!”

“Your heart is calling you with every beat, waitin’ for you to take the call!!!”

“I may not get noticed. I may not be heard. I may not be felt. I may get isolated. I may never be embraced. I may end up being a dream that you never remember on waking up. But let me tell you (life), I will never give up.”

“If in the end animal instinct rules; why the hell  this pressure to be human????”

“It’s amazing to know that you see love with your eyes closed!”

“Life is lived in moments, and those moments live with u forever.”

“Some things are just not meant to be, more than life screwing us…its us screwing us!!!!!”

“It does not matter whether I am ok or not; it does not matter whether I am there or not; the only thing that matters is that, I  remain alive in your thoughts always!!”

“Sometimes everything is not enough. Having enough might still keep you deficient. And most of the times the deficiency is just perceptive. All that it means is that ignorance is a reality. But this reality is painful. And your only chance to remain happy is to go through all the pain. Alas that chance is just a hope!”

“Disorderliness is the precedent for every new order!”

“The source of smile and tears is always the same. Now I realize what GOD’s meant when they said, neither be too happy with something nor be too sad at something. But then I am just a lesser mortal. And so shedding a few tears for those bright smiles is absolutely ok!”

“There are no sins, only mistakes!”

“Fear creates doubt, fearlessness generates inquisitiveness. A method wherein trust and love are employed, rather than rankings and punishments is what I would want from my school”

“Alas! if I was taught ‘meanings’ first and than the words, may be than I would have ‘lived’ first and searched for ‘meanings’ (of life) later.”

“Why is it that most of us while ‘being good’ are generally not ‘being honest’????”

“WORDS if honest become a reflection of self; if dishonest they become a camouflage for self.”

“Often, in every endeavour, there comes a point when you tend to question your belief, you tend to revisit all that you were once passionate for; my contention is, what should be the basis of my choice at such a point??”

“Respect + gratefulness + consideration + humility = love… rest all is gimmickry”

“Why is it that what we live with is of least concern, while we cannot live for what we are truly concerned!?”

“The more importance you give to yourself, the more you are able to respect others. The more you see yourself, more satisfying your endeavors will be. Self – aware is what you become, Self-centered is what others will think that you have become.”

“If life’s a software application, and we all logged in, than shouldn’t there be a choice of ‘log out’!”

“Sometimes the best way to get is to give up!”

Quote at will.

Some definitions.

23 06 2009

Over last 3 decades,  life has played a hell lot of games with me. Let me tell you I have had a ball(mostly :P)  In hindsight many things seem unreal, rather it seems as if it were all a dream. But from all of the experiences that I went through, and still going through, all the things that I did, all the things that  I was made to do, all that I resisted and all that I could never resist, all that is known about me and from all that is not known – all of these combine to create someone called ME. And its a continuum. Unending. Like a potters wheel. One may never know what the final shape of the pot will be, until the wheel stops. Similarly, I believe that, until the wheel of life stops, there won’t be any status quo.

Based on what I have absorbed, here are some definitions (as of now) on a few things of life.  My choice making is based on these definitions or perceptions, whatever sounds better, of mine. And they are ever changing.

Here they are :

Life :  The duration between two accidents namely, Birth and Death.

Love: Absolute indulgence.

Hatred : Stupid indulgence.

God : Mankind’s greatest invention.

Dreams : “Dreams are what you never can become.” and “Dream is an sms from you to you.”

Luck : “Its that something which gets you through when you didn’t expect to; and when  its absent it wont let you through even though you are all sure n prepared!”

Society : A camouflage. Every one finds their own suitable hide out and then stay put.

Marriage : A societal arrangement, to bind the two genders of homo sapiens, and throw them in a maze of unending triviality, a trivia of purposes, fears, hopes and insecurities.

If absent, it can completely shatter the societal structure. Because that would lead to sans the purpose of most men/women’s life.

The way to rise above the walls of this maze is to find  a strong purpose for oneself.

( will write a piece on this some time)

Prayer : A means to experience surreal.

Morals : Man made hurdles. Winner is the one who use them to his/her advantage.

Crime : A signal that after all we are all animals.

Innovation : eg. Snooze…the greatest innovation.

Patriotism : Forced religion.

Tears : The response of the body when one is able to stretch out of one’s own inhibitions. This state is mostly momentary.

Goodness : Just another vocation.

Greatness : Crossing the expectations of  the people around.

History : Manufactured truth.

Truth : What you believe in is what you consider to be true.

PS : Those who liked the definitions don’t be too happy, and those who didn’t like them, don’t be too furious. Coz by the time we bump into each other, most of it might just have changed!!!! (potters wheel, remember :P)

Magic of Love!

5 06 2009

dedicated to the magicians in my life.

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere,

they are in each other all along.

~ Rumi

There are two types of people in the world. Believers and Non-believers.(in GOD)

For Believers everything starts and ends with HIM. For a non-believer everything starts and ends with ME. For a non-believer everything around is just matter and his/her drive is to extract value from that matter. Whereas for a believer GOD exists in matter and s/he perceives life in every particle.  Now, I am not gonna talk about GOD here. But the point I wish to make is that just as in GOD, LOVE is also a belief.

Love is a belief. One can experience it only if one believes in its existence. For a believer LOVE is what connects him/her to other being, whereas for a non believer LOVE is just a word that s/he utilises to connect to other being. For the former LOVE is the end while for the latter ones, LOVE is nothing but a means to reach to a desired end.

I believe in love. Love for me is the metaphor for life. Its a simple emotion, which in worldly matters is so highly dramatized that most of us become weary of it. If truly believed in, this emotion can take you to unknown realms of existence.

For a moment, imagine a world without love. What would happen then? Lust, Greed, Power and Control would take over. I am not denying the existence of this equally powerful and potent emotions. To an extent they rule the world and they define the structure of most societies. But the fact remains that, amidst the jungle of animal instincts there exists a humane society which thrives on an undefined emotion called Love.

How else do you explain a touch which makes you hear the other persons heart beat? How else do you explain that hug which flushes out tears from deep within? How else do you infer the phenomenon whereby seeing someone smile alters your mood? How else does one understand those hours of silences where in you communicate the most? How else do you explain that drive to be good and work hard? How else do you explain that wish to make someone proud? How else…?

It is nothing but the belief in LOVE that would explain such happenings.  It is out of love that amidst all the Greed there still are events of ‘Giving’; amidst all those who lust for power, there still are those who willfully ‘Surrender’;  among all the chaos for control, humility still prevails.

This I believe is the magic…the magic of love! This belief in love is the doorway to many varied moments, love filled moments, magical moments, which alleviates me from my physical being.

And when I look back I only recall those moments. My mind forgets events, forgets occasions, but it fondly remembers these magical – love filled moments.

Never let go any chance of expressing your love, never let go the opportunity to create magic. Just Believe, and the price that you may have to pay will seem futile.

I believe in Magic. The Magic of Love.

“Life exists in moments, and these moments are what stays with you for your entire life”

PS : A few days back I was about to commit a mistake of ‘not doing’ what I wanted to do. I was about to hold back my expressions. But I am glad that my BELIEF was strong. I finally did express what I wanted to express, did it with all the love and joy! And what followed were some unimaginable moments. Moments wherein time and space almost evaporated, I got totally drawn into that wonderful moment of love. Added a few more to my collection of love-filled moments.

Reflections : for one more day by Mitch Albom.

22 05 2009

DO YOU EVER  think while something is happening, about what’s happening someplace else? My mother, after the divorce, would stand on the back porch at sunset, smoking a cigarette, and she’d say, ” Charley, right now, as the sun is going down here, it’s coming up someplace else in the world. Australia or China or someplace. You can look it up in the encyclopedia.”

“It’s a big world,” She’d say, wistfully. “Something is always happening somewhere.”

She was right about that. Something is always happening somewhere. So when I stood at the plate in that Old Timers game, staring at a pitcher whose hair was gray, and when he threw what used to be his fastball but what now was just a pitch that floated in toward my chest, and when I swung and made contact and heard the familiar thwock and I dropped my bat and began to run, convinced that I had done something fabulous, forgetting my old gauges, forgetting that my arms and legs lacked the power they once had, forgetting that as you age, the walls get farther away, and when I looked up and saw what I had first thought to be a solid hit, maybe a home run, now coming down just beyond the infield toward the waiting glove of the second baseman, no more than a pop-up, a wet firecracker, a dud, and a voice in my head yelled, “Drop it! Drop it!” as that second baseman squeezed his glove around my final offereing to this maddening game – just as all that was happening, my mother, as she once noted, had something else happening back in Pepperville Beach.

Her clock radio was playing big band music. Her pillows had been freshly plumped. And her body was crumpled like a broken doll on the floor of her bedroom, where she had come looking for her new red glasses and collapsed.

A massive heart attack.

She was taking her last breaths.

I don’t think I think about what is happening at the other end, while I am so focussed on my end. I like to believe that I do, but in reality I don’t. While I am too busy thinking about myself, I hardly think of what the other person is going through in the very same moment.

I ask myself this :

How often have I missed out on complementing my mom for a nicely cooked meal, kept hot specially for me, just because I had a bad day? While I simply say “I’m busy”, do I ever think of the moments waiting for me on other side? The moments which I actually long for, I make myself busy for them. I take pride in being ‘accessible’ to the world for my ‘so called’ ideas and advises, but I fail to think of a 5 minute attention which my grandma might be yearning for? How many times, occupied with my saturday night plans I  have missed out on knowing about my mothers headache? Just because I thought I am doing some creative work, I have not thought of giving due attention to a waiting customer. While holding onto someone so much, I never really think of those who are holding on to me. I seldom think of friends who I don’t attend to, while I am busy craving for someone else. While I am pretty much engrossed in my phone, I miss out the smile that the friends around are giving to me. Just because I am busy discussing ‘important’ things till late night, I forget that someone important might be losing out on her sleep.  How easily I vent my anger/frustration out on the one who loves me, without even thinking how his/her day was?  I often get hang ups when my expectations are not met, but do I even know why they weren’t met? Hasn’t it occured that I easily change the rules of a relation, and not even thinking what it means for the other person involved? While I am working on things to seek the pride of the world, I just forget to think of what would make my father proud?  So many times haven’t I missed out on cuddling my nephew, just because I was too occupied with my next blog!?

“I am so smart and intelligent in living my life, in making my choices; that I hardly take time out to think of all of those, for whom I am a part of life.”

Something is always happening somewhere.

While being engrossed in a chase which I essentially understand as life, I miss out on so many of life filled tiny moments.

“You can find something truly important in a minute,” she said.

Going at this pace and in this direction all I would find myself in is shame and shadow, and regrets and frustration.

“I wanted it to stop, Mom…this anger, this guilt. That’s why…I wanted to die…”

I lifted my eyes, and, for the first time, admitted the truth.

“I gave up.” I whispered.

“Don’t give up,”  she whispered back.

I buried my head then. I am not ashamed to say it. I buried my head in my mother’s arms and her hands cradled my neck. We held each other like that, just briefly. But I cannot put into words the comfort I drew from that moment. I can only say that, as I speak to you now, I still yearn for it.

Charles “Chick” Benetto was lucky. He got one more chance to make up for the time he had missed out to spend with his dead mother. He got that conversation with the one he loved. He got a ONE MORE DAY.

But, not all are as lucky as him to get that day back. Even if I get it, why should I wait for that day, while I can still live that moments with the one I love and for the ones who truly and eternally are concerned for me.

If I don’t, then I know I can go my whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one I wish I had back.

write up includes excerpts from Mitch Alboms best seller for one more day.